Over the Hill

This is one of the two or three best songs I've written, and the one that has a chance of being immortal, if not making me immortal (nor making me any money). It is a birthday song for people who are "getting up there." My next challenge re this song will be to figure out when a person is so old it isn't funny to sing it to them.
Over the Hill
gleefully (you aren’t the one being serenaded!)
G D
Over the hill, you’re over the hill
C G
You feel like week-old road kill
G D
The buzzards are circling, don’t stand too still
C G
___________ You’re over the hill!
Em Am
One day you wake up and something has changed:
D7 Em
You didn’t get hurt, but still you’re in pain,
Em Am
The face in the mirror looks tired and strained
D7 Em
Like your mother’s/father’s would if he were deranged.
[Chorus]
It’s a good day, ‘cause your stomach’s not THAT upset;
A good bowel movement means more than good sex.
You’ve gotta go to work ‘cause you aren’t dead yet.
This isn’t voodoo, and it isn’t a hex. You’re just...
[Chorus]
You’re no longer part of the Pepsi generation;
You’re well on your way to antiquation.
Your most stylish clothes are years out of fashion;
And all your favorites songs are on the oldies station.
Yes, you’re...
[Chorus]
Yes, your hearing’s shot I SAID, YOUR HEARING IS SHOT,
You need bifocals, too, and your gut’s gone to pot.
Remember the chorus? I knew you forgot;
Don’t call it Alzheimer’s, it’s only brain rot,
Because...
[Chorus]

Peaches

I guess I never really figured out a title for this. It is another song where I used a lot of phrases from old songs and tried to put them together in a slightly new way.

If you don’t want my peaches, why did you shake my tree?
If you don’t want my peaches, why did you shake, why did you shake my tree?
If you don’t like this Georgia weather, go back to Tennessee.

Nothing in the world as sweet as my fresh fruit
Nothing in the world as sweet as my fresh, as sweet as my fresh fruit
If you don’t pick it from the orchard, its just going to rot.

I’d rather drink muddy water, sleep in a hollow log
I’d rather drink muddy water, sleep in a hollow, sleep in a hollow log
Than live with you here in Atlanta, when you won’t walk my dog.

Baby take my little dog, take him for a stroll
Baby take my little dog, take him for a, take him for a stroll.
And when you finish that, I wanna jelly roll.

Bad Woman Blues

I wrote a few songs where my goal was to recycle some imagery from old blues songs and have the song sound like a classic blues, so people would say, "who wrote that?" Expecting it to be Robert Johnson or Blind Lemon Jefferson or something. Then I'd say, "me." This is one of those:

Bad Woman Blues

Listen to me, woman, I got somethin’ to say.
Listen, listen, listen, I got somethin’ to say.
Thing’s have gotta change; we can’t go on this way.

I’ve put up with you, woman, for too long a time.
Put up with you, yeah, too long, too long a time.
The way you bein’ doin’ me, it oughta be a crime.

The way you treat me, just ain’t right.
The way you treat me, no, that ain’t right.
Lay ‘round all day, ‘n’ then you’re gone all night.

If you don’t love me, why not just say so.
If you don’t love me, you can just say so.
If you don’t think I’ll leave, sit back and watch me go.

I’m gonna quit you, and it won’t be long.
Gonna quit you, and it won’t be long.
Go on out tonight. Tomorrow I’ll be gone.

I think it’s time for me to dust my broom.
Think it’s time for me to dust my broom.
One a your drinkin’ buddies can have my room.

A Cure for Cancer

This is one that Meg, for some reason, particularly thinks other people will enjoy hearing:

Heard the news the other day, reseach study shows
Orgasms help your prostate. Gotta flush out the hose!
(chorus)
Workin' on a cure for cancer. My health is important to me.
Jerkin' to prevent that cancer. Gotta stay cancer-free.

Woke up the other morning, It was a beautiful day.
Thought it looked so nice out, I'd just leave it that way.
(chorus)
Pass me another tissue, somethin's drippin' on my leg.
There's another thousand swimmers 'll never make it to an egg.
(chorus)
My girlfriend called me at lunch, asked, "Honey, what ya doin'?"
I didn't miss a beat, I said, "I'm just thinkin' 'bout you and..."
(chorus)
I don’t want to be selfish, I scan the news eagerly
For the study that shows that women can stop cancer of the ovaries.
(Chorus)
Now I need to stop singing; Science is calling me.
I wish I could stay a little longer, but more research is necessary.
(Chorus)

Black Jack Rackham 2

I figured, rightly or wrongly, that sea chanteys might tend to be in the key of D. Also, if you electrified it, you could get a good D drone going that would ram it right along, so here's the chords after fifteen minutes work:
Black Jack Rackham
D
Black Jack Rackham, a bucccaneer captain
D
And vet'ran of many a boarding expedition,
G
Sighted the chase and came about smartly
A
As soon as he entered the Bucket o Blood.
D
A fine looking lass, he needed no glass
D
To admire her bowsprit an' the cut o her jib
G
He cruised up beside her, an' then crossed her hawser
A D
to bring the full weight of his broadside to bear.
[chorus]
D A
So here's to the barroom buccaneer, here's to the pub-stool pirate
G D
Here's to a tavern wench on my knee, and a cold pint of ale beside me.

Double-shot loaded, with Cruzan rum
He ordered another, and another again
Then his Jolly Roger he ran up the jackstaff
Prepared to board her and hefted his gaff.
[chorus]
A A/G# A/F# E D A A/G# A/F# E D (x2)
He said Hey ya ho, let's have a go! And yo ho ho, yeah blow the man down!
But she said No way Joe, I don't play for dough, and I'm not impressed by what ye've shown.
[chorus]
Black Jack Rackham, the buccaneer captain
and vet'ran of many a boarding expedition,
Gave up the chase and bore away sharply
To careen on the beach and repair his caulking.
[chorus]

Black Jack Rackham

I've been going back through my old files and trying to grab and post one song every day or two, but this one is something I wrote yesterday and today. It's still in rough draft. I'm planning on sea chantey-type music, but I've been reading a book about Paul McCartney so I think it'd be cool to throw in some "Yellow Submarine" type sounds, and the bridge is kind of rap-like. Here it is:
Black Jack Rackham
Black Jack Rackham, a bucccaneer captain
And vet'ran of many a boarding expedition,
Sighted the chase and came about smartly
As soon as he enterd the Bucket o Blood.

A fine looking lass, he needed no glass
To admire her bowsprit an' the cut o her jib
He cruised up beside her, an' then crossed her hawser
to bring the full weight of his broadside to bear.
[chorus]
So here's to the barroom buccaneer, here's to the pub-stool pirate
Here's to a tavern wench on my knee, and a cold pint of ale beside me.

Double-shot loaded, with Cruzan rum
He ordered another, and another again
Then his Jolly Roger he ran up the jackstaff
Prepared to board her and hefted his gaff.
[chorus]
He said Hey ya ho, let's have a go! And yo ho ho, yeah blow the man down!
But she said No way Joe, I don't play for dough, and I'm not impressed by what ye've shown.
[chorus]
Black Jack Rackham, the buccaneer captain
and vet'ran of many a boarding expedition,
Gave up the chase and bore away sharply
To careen on the beach and repair his caulking.
[chorus]

What'd I Say

"What'd I Say" is the most finished of all the songs I made up last summer. It's mostly ripped off from a set of pick-up lines guaranteed not to work that I saw on some joke site somewhere. The chord sequence was intially inspired by Bob Dylan's "The Times are A-Changin'" This is one of my songs that is so long I can't remember all the lyrics when I try to sing it. How embarrassing to be singing a song you wrote and forget the words.

What'd I Say
[Chorus:]
C D G Em
What’d I do? What’d I say?
G C D Dsus D
Why’d she slap me and flounce away?
C D G Em
I don’t know why I bother to go out on the town
G C D Dsus D
when every woman I talk to just shoots me down.
C D G Em
I start conversations, but they don’t last long,
G C D Dsus D
because I’m always saying something wrong.
[Verse]
G Am Bm G
A guy said, “Say something witty, not the same old line,
Bm G Am C
Like ‘Do you come here often,’ or ‘What‘s your sign?’.”
G Am Bm G
So I said, “You're always on my mind...but I'd rather have you on my bed.”
Bm G Am C
Then I tried, “I can introduce myself, if you don’t give strangers head.”
G Am Bm G
And, “Remember my name’s Jeff, ’cause you’ll be screaming it all night.”
Bm G Am C
I guess that’s why the bouncer knew it when he came to throw me out.
[Chorus]
I read that you’re supposed to compliment a girl,
So I tried, “Are those space pants, ‘cause your ass is out of this world!”
I tried it straight: “Your rack is fantastic!”
And creative: Do you use windex? I can see myself in your pants!
Then I tried, “Is it hot in here, or is it just you?”
That one got me shot down, too.
[Chorus]
I asked a friend for help. Compliment their clothes, he said.
I tried, “That’s a beautiful dress, it’d look great lying beside my bed.”
And, “That shirt looks very becoming on you,
but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.”
I don’t know why neither one of those worked,
one women slapped me, the other called me a jerk.

[Chorus]
I said, Nice boots, they’d look good crossed behind my back.”
She said, “ you’re about to have one halfway up your ass!”
I looked again. "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
She told me, "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore"
Now I’m getting dirty looks from her “friend”
Why do all the beautiful ones turn out to be lesbians?
[Chorus]